Police: Woman admitted to killing special needs grandsons
Yesterday I spent an hour while my coffee got cold writing a related but altogether different post. Then I had Tim do a read though, which I always do in April before I post to ensure that he doesn’t have any edits or suggestions to temper my Blunt, and he told me about this story out of Tucson and now we want to talk about this. This is as important as it is tragic.
We want to be perfectly clear that we in no way are justifying this grandmother’s crimes. Our goal is to bring the level of desperation this woman must have experienced to your attention and to educate you about the lack of resources available to the parents of children with Autism.
I hope it comes as no surprise to any of you that this country is grossly inadequate at addressing the needs of the mentally ill. And actually, to be perfectly frank, we aren’t that great at addressing the needs of the physically ill either. What may surprise you is that an Autism diagnosis is the bastard diagnosis of both of these systems. It’s not considered a mental illness, so what inadequate mental health services this country does offer aren’t generally accessible to those with Autism, and it’s not really considered a physical illness so many of the services available to the physically ill also aren’t accessible to those with Autism. And it’s in this void between the two systems where Autism families live, sometimes only striving to get through today.
Autism affects every single child differently and to varying degrees. Obviously, I only know what you know about this family after reading the news article but having straddled the world between being a parent of an autistic child and working in the child welfare system for the past 12 years, I can make some assumptions based on this grandmother’s actions and my own experience.
Forget for a moment that she was caring for her two autistic 8 year old grandchildren, and consider for a moment that she lost her husband 5 years ago, then her daughter by suicide 2 years ago which prompted the guardianship of her grandsons, and then on top of that, their needs were so intense that she quit her job to care for them which not only means that she lost some amount of income, she also lost some measure of support and connection to the outside world in the loss of her coworkers. So now we have a grandmother who is grieving, alone, and financially burdened trying to meet the needs of these two boys with Autism. To say that she was overwhelmed doesn’t begin to scrape the surface of this woman’s reality. It’s easy to sit here and look back on this tragedy and ask why didn’t she reach out for help before making the decision to take their lives. In fact, the woman in the news story linked in the body of this article says that she was available to help. And aren’t there agencies who surely could have helped so she didn’t get to this point? Maybe. Maybe not.
Let me illustrate for you what that need for help may have looked like. And I want you to keep in mind while you’re reading this that these boys didn’t have the flu which would render any help unnecessary in 7 – 10 business days. This is help that’s necessary Every. Single. Day. 24/7/365.
Some children with Autism constantly maneuver to escape the safety of their own homes (called Elopement) creating the need for an awake and available caregiver at all times. Some children with Autism cannot communicate or processes their emotions and become frustrated and violent, damaging their schools and homes and injuring their caregivers. Some children with Autism have sleep disturbance and rarely sleep. I have listened while desperate parents cried to me asking me to take their children with Autism and put them in foster care or residential. Parents who can’t turn their backs on their autistic children for fear of them grabbing the keys to the car and running out to drive it. Parents with children who grab knives to attack their caregivers. Parents with children who smash their new game systems in a fit of rage. Parents with children who will only eat one food and starve rather than eating something else. Parents with children who can’t be taken to the grocery store for fear of them running. Parents with children who only sleep a few hours a day. Parents with children who left unattended could seriously injure or kill other children in the home.
Now take all of that (or even a bit of that) and multiply it by two.
So the offers from friends for help, while well-intentioned and I’m sure came from a place of compassion and love, aren’t always sustainable in the long term. People can’t (and shouldn’t) put their own lives on hold to keep watch while a caregiver sleeps or showers every single day. People don’t want to be injured helping someone to manage the unmanageable every single day. People don’t want to have the responsibility of not losing an eloper every single day. People don’t want to do your grocery shopping every single day. People don’t want to transport your other kids to school and extracurriculars every single day.
So now I hear you asking yourself, “Aren’t there agencies out there who can help?” The answer is maybe. But also maybe not. Depending on a family’s location, insurance, ability to self-pay…. actual diagnoses and behaviors…
Depending on these boys’ level of need, their insurance coverage, and the types of services available they may have been eligible through Medicaid for 24 hour, one on one care by an agency, staffed with high school graduates making $10 an hour. Or they may not have been eligible for any paid services at all. Assistance may have been available through self pay, assuming this unemployed grandmother could afford to pay for respite care. If their behaviors were dangerous enough, an agency would have had the right to refuse service for their staff’s safety. Their behaviors may have been so severe that they would have been eligible to be admitted to an inpatient program, assuming that Arizona has any inpatient facilities for that age child and that grandma’s insurance would cover it. Or maybe not. And all of this is accessible, maybe, depending on grandma’s ability to navigate the system and negotiate with Medicaid and social security…assuming that she could even get to the Medicaid and social security offices and stand in a 90 minute line while caring for these 2 boys.
So now what happens to her? Since she survived her suicide attempt she has been arrested and charged with 2 first degree murders. She will stand trial and likely die while still incarcerated. But this woman won’t be tried by a jury of her peers. Tim and I are her peers. The parents who have suffered bruises every day at the hands of their child with autism are her peers. The parents who have cried because their child got suspended from school but they still have to go to work or get fired are her peers. The parents who have had to pull their car over and defend themselves because their child had turned sideways in his seat and was kicking them while driving 50 miles an hour are her peers. The parents whose child only eats Wendy’s chicken nuggets are her peers. The parents who have been called from school for the 4th time this week to pick up their child who was having yet another meltdown are her peers. The parents who have nailed the windows shut and locked their child in their bedrooms for their own safety are her peers. The parents who have awaken to find feces smeared all over their child’s bedroom are her peers. Her jury will not be composed of Tim and Paiges.
We don’t condone what she did and we’re not justifying the fact that she murdered her own grandchildren but we are saying that we understand how this grandmother arrived at this point of overwhelming fear for the future and her desperation in caring for her grandsons alone and we’re saddened that for this Autism family this is how their story ends.
Thank you for joining us on this journey, Tim and Paige 💙
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